Could I be an actor?

Hi,
After much consideration and the fact I am a ‘Scaredy cat’ I am leaving the online dating behind, to use a construction analogy ‘women are just wired different’ and being honest I just don’t understand the wiring diagram. Within the space of a two hour date I had spoken to a total stranger about the prospect of her having more children. I think I will leave my love life to a chance meeting in a bar or keep bumping into attractive single looking women in the supermarket with my trolley to instigate conversation (and I said women were wired different).
My daughter has finally got a job (in telephone sales) and passed her driving test all in the same week. Has she finally made a breakthrough? I have brought her a car and paid her first month’s insurance which over the twelve month period will be twice the value of the car.
My son and heirs selling Kitchens and seems to be doing well. At twenty four years old he has temporarily moved back home with his partner and their twin boys now aged three (yes I am a grandfather).
With regard to my older children the word ‘hypocrite’ often springs to mind. While my son was going through college he often brought home his girlfriends and the ‘that’s my boy’ feeling of pride often washed over me. Often when friends of mine called while my son was entertaining one of his girlfriends the flexing of long deteriorated muscle and the sucking in of beer infused stomachs was in hindsight embarrassing and best compared to the film ‘American beauty’. I have a six pack it’s hidden under my party seven.
My daughter, when she brings home a boyfriend still prompts the flexing of muscle but this is often coupled with the phrase ‘I have a gun’.
I have been working in daaarn souwwfff in Edgware the past two weeks for an actor and do you know ‘I could do that’. I am seriously thinking of going to some auditions. As I am going to be close to the capital for the next six months, I’m thinking why not. It seems actors are not stereotypical and come in every shape and size. It takes all kinds to be an actor and looking in the mirror in a morning I definitely seem one of a kind.
Next week, how I get on with my audition application and my bloody driving experiences which I’m collating in a diary back and forward to Edgware that should according to my sat nav take just over three hours but have in fact taken up o eight hours on some occasions.
Dave x

Lies, damn lies and internet dating.

Good morning, good evening or goodnight.
I now realise I have put little thought into my online dating plan. I joined, no charge at this point, and was then faced with a questionnaire.
Now I’m a pretty much what you see is what you get type of guy, not thoughtful with hidden depths but clever enough to know if I’m not posting a pic on my site I should rate my attractiveness quite high so when Pamela Anderson logs on she clicks on me.
So having been given a choice of very attractive or attractive? I put very attractive, perhaps I should have added in the right light, but I’m not saying if that lights on or off.
At this point a friend calls for coffee, I explain what I’m doing and why to which he responds ‘I don’t know about Pamela Anderson, perhaps the biggest tit on the site is filling out the questionnaire’. This reinforces my feeling of foreboding but I’m going to push on.
The rest of the questionnaire seemed basic hair colour, eyes, height, and salary. Salary? They are covering all the bases. Now do I put high and lie, average and lie or low and get no visits? So I put high. Incidentally for height I put six foot and I’m five eleven, so I must remember my name on the site because I could never find myself by the description.
I posted my description and for the next two hours visited my e-mail in box every five minutes to see if I had any alerts as to a visit. Nothing. I’ve bloody lied to make myself appear more desirable and nothing. I decide it must be an e-mail technical fault so e-mail myself from another account. Five minutes later I check again. One e-mail in my in box, result. I click to open my in box. The e-mail is from my other account testing for a technical fault. Bollocks.
This saga is going to run on and on but at least I now only check my in box hourly and I get a result but that’s for next week.

Online dating?

Hi, bit of a mixed week so far. Despite my objections the 18yr old daughter has once again dropped out of college but with the promise ‘I’m going to get a job’. I think she may have been influenced by her new boyfriend who obviously knowing my tendency for forgetting names has had his tattooed down his forearm, so I have a point of reference least I forget. Coupled with the piercings and shaved pattern in his hair I must enquire as to whether he is going to be a permanent fixture or if he’s simply a Halloween thing.
This week was an outing for the company. I organised a quasar and drinks event to which fifteen of the lads turned up.
Most of the lads made their own way and I hired a Renault Espace to pick up the younger and non drivers.
Ryan was the last to be collected as the horn was sounded he popped up from behind a hedge fifty yards from his house. Running up with a serious look on his face he said ‘I thought you were picking me up in a yellow bus’ bemused everyone else asked ‘why?’ he replied ‘because you said you had hired a spaz and that’s what we called the yellow bus at school’.
Ironically enough when the quasar was finished and the points tallied the administrator pointed to Ryan’s number and commented he had been shot by everyone on both sides.
Looked at the online dating site and perused the cattle market like photographs. Should I or shouldn’t I? surely these women can’t be any more crazy than the ones I’m meeting in bars and being fixed up with by my friends and on the plus side I get to talk to them (all be it by e:mail) before I date.
The latest liaison following a kiss and a cuddle after a meeting in a bar asked could she come back to mine because she had a husband who didn’t understand her at home. As you know, I’ve listened to little Dave before and having regained a little of my self esteem last week I did the gentlemanly thing, said I needed to spend a penny and scarpered.
So I’ve decided on line dating is the way forward. No photo just an ad and I only need join if I get a response.
Watch this space
Dave x

Does the input help with the output?

Hi, trust you are well. Not a bad week for me so far, the dog has found a new game pulling the washing off the line. Now if I can get her to wrap it up and bring it in that's a result, as long as she can darn the holes she's putting in everything.
Haven't heard from my wife in four months but got a high octane 'your a liar and a cheat' text last night so I guess she was enjoying her party.
Following my separation the female input in my life comes predominantly from my daughter. Oh my god dad don't tuck your shirt in and its five for a taxi into town, five out, and thirty for pictures, popcorn and a few drinks. As well as my mother. Clear your plate or you'll get no pudding, don't pull faces because if the wind changes you'll stick like that.
So it's no wonder all the women I take to diner seem to think 'he's thoughtful with hidden depths'. When I'm wondering if I tucked my shirt in when I visited the rest room and if my mum will find out if I leave my greens.
Following an invite around to the flat of the mother of the newest addition to my family, namely Grace my four month old daughter. I arrived promptly only to find Grace had been sent to a babysitter and her mother insisted I sat as she prepared a drink.
It took me six months from when my wife left me but I now know and have been told by many of the women I have dated I am very handsome and attract the attention of women easily. This is not vanity, believe me I do not know what any female would see in me but I know they see something.
It was only when she returned with the drink I noticed she had her dressing gown on. As she handed me the drink and the gown slipped to the floor to reveal underwear with more tassels than a maypole I panicked. Thank god the wind didn't change because the look of horror could have been etched for eternity. Thirteen months ago believe me I'd thought I could eat it and now thirteen months later I wish I had.
All married men 30's, 40's, 50's thinking, 'your mental, a twenty seven year old blond vixen ready for the taking. Just do it' and believe me she is gorgeous, let me explain.
Two children five and six in their bedroom. The older child says 'think its time we started swearing, lets go down to breakfast and start'. They agreed got dressed and went down. Their mother asked the eldest what he wanted and he replied ' You know what mum I don't give a shit but give me cocoa pops'. Thwwwack the mother beats the crap out of him and turns to the youngest child 'What about you?' she asks. 'I don't know' he replies, 'but it won't be fucking cocoa pops!'
Your peers can tell you what you should do and you may unquestioningly believe it. You may actually do it and still not realise you have done anything wrong people may place the facts of your wrong doing in front of you and believe me you will blame the cocoa pops. When you take a step outside the box its then you realise just how funny it is and believe me not tucking my shirt in will never make a 42 yr old 26.
So I made my excuses, got slapped across the face and left with a gun in my pocket but my newly found self esteem intact.
Its the work outing next week and you know I'm going to give online dating a go. Watch this space.
Dave x

Introduction.

Pleased to make your acquaintance this Tuesday 28th October 2008. I'm 42 born 21/6/66 am fit and healthy as I write and am recently separated from my wife of 23 yrs.
Currently the other side of a major mid life crisis. Perhaps I should have bought myself a motorbike or taken myself into the yard with two bricks. Instead I decided to put to the test my peers opinion that I did not look my age. Consequently I took my ego to the gym and with help from other parts of my body after setting rational to one side, dated and impregnated the 26 yr old blonde receptionist.
So when I say I have three children a boy 24, a girl 18 and a girl of 4 months the reason for the age difference is immediately apparent to you. Namely the lack of good quality house bricks in the area 13 months ago.
Ironically enough not 18 months ago as an employer I was honoured to have one of my simpler staff name his new born son after me. Whether in an attempt to get a rise or secure his future in the company The infant 'baby David' can often be seen around the office. Following baby Davids arrival the 'no more kids for me' statement was often heard emanating from these lips.
I can't help feeling sorry for the poor lad though. Delivered on the bathroom floor by his father, instructed over the phone by a midwife who following the delivery asked 'have you delivered the placenta?' in reply he said 'no thats a nice name but I think we're going to call it David'.
So I'm now trying to find my feet in the world of dating. I've been fixed up with females of all shapes and sizes with every type of engine you can imagine, from lets skip dessert and go back to mine on the first date to I would never sleep with anyone for at least six months who ironically moved the goal posts on the second date catching me totally unawares as I had holes in my socks and my comfy if not most presentable briefs on.
Women scare the shit out of me. Every one has a different set of rules. No means no, no means yes, yes means no, yes means yes and I've not even asked a question
I am going to post weekly in an attempt to keep you updated and make you smile or angry if you were my English teacher. I will also tell you a little bit more about myself and my history.
I am open to critisism and will take all on board but not reply. I am not looking to date anyone who reads this. If you like what you read tell others if not hit delete.
Dave x